164183_1482286746362_4877385_nFor  some reason unknown to me and my health care team I keep trying to end my life. I have a wonderful family. I love my husband and my home. The first sign that I am planning to harm myself is a hair cut. I cut all my hair off. I love my hair. Why would I do that? I’m 66 years old and that isn’t a good look for that age.

10615530_10202110775280110_3703816946291993154_nHere I am with my hubby Jerry. I’m wearing a wig because I have a buzz cut. My husband takes such good care of me. He’s so patient with me. I don’t know how he puts up with me.

 

carmen-carmen-marc-valvo-fit-and-flare-34-sleeve-dress-d-20140909131317257~366514_001I ordered the dress above the last time I tried to commit suicide. My daughter, Darla, laughed and told me that you buy a dress to wear to other peoples funeral not your own. I liked the dress so much when it came in that I kept it. At least I still have good taste in clothes while I’m in a manic state. I took so many pills had I not lived within ten minutes of the hospital I would have died. I would have died anyway if my daughter hadn’t come over. My husband just didn’t realize how serious I was. The last few minutes I was awake I e mailed my daughters.  It was the most horrible experience of my life. I woke up screaming on a metal table with four tubes being pushed up and down in my throat to my stomach. Six large men were holding me down. My husband told me two tubes were water and two tubes were charcoal. I was in ICU for three days to make sure my heart was ok. I was thankful it hadn’t been injure. I found out later that when you are coming off that many pills you don’t always know the difference in your body parts. I ask my daughter for two tic tacs and I put one in my mouth and one in my private part. She tried to stop me but I told her I was so dry. I didn’t know I had a catheter in. I would not recommend that anyone ever decided to kill themselves.

New Image I have been very sick and I’m still not very strong. I will write about going to Senior Care in the hospital after ICU. I can tell you for sure you don’t want to go there. I met some precious people there but it must be a lot like prison.

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